Epic Fail
by ShikibaOokamiDragonRider
Summary: ON HIATUS. crack randomness. the results of math class boredom mixed with an energy drink or two. mello matt and near being delinquents. hints of yaoi, so if you dont like, dont read. REVIEW OR I KICK YOUR VIRTUAL ARSE.
1. OMG CHAPTER NUMERO EINS

**Yes I know how many stupid screwups there are in this thing. I don't care. This is the result of boredom mixed with math class and energy drinks. Eff off. **

**Listening to: Wow, I can get sexual too by Say Anything, Bad touch by the bloodhound gang, Welcome to Chicago by Kill Hannah, New york City Speed by Kill Hannah, and the Gangster Song by Hollywood undead. **

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Chapter one: STFU. There be enough lemons for everyone.

"No, goddamnit, I will not fucking sit down! Who are you to tell me to stop talking when all you do is lecture?!"

"Young man if you don't sit down this minute, you're going strait to the principal!"

"Good I'd rather be anywhere but here!"

The blonde boy slammed the door behind him. Matt and Near exchanged a look—"WTF not again…" The lecture resumed, and the class lapsed into a sleepy silence, broken by the wail of sirens about fifteen minutes later. Muffled shouts and bangs echoed into the hall from the main office.

"Get off me! Get OFF!! God, it's not like I killed him or anything, he's only unconscious, geez! No, I will not put my hands up! Hey! Give me the damn paperweight back!"

Matt rolled his eyes. Third time this month that fool got himself arrested. But really, being under 18, what can they do to him? They were already in the alternate school. (Matt for drug use, Mello for assault, Near for incompetence.) Matt passed Near a note a few minutes later.

"You up for busting him out tonight?"

"Am I ever."

* * *

Near had forgone his bleach white pyjamas for jet black cargo pants, a tight black turtle neck, and a black skull cap. Still, the exposed skin of his face and hands glowed in the light of the moon. He spotted Matt about fifteen paces away, leaning inconspicuously against the side of an alleyway, smoking a cigarette. He was also clad in all black.

"You ready?" Near asked, making Matt jump. He hadn't seen him coming.

"Yeah. Lets go."

They stole quietly around the back of the building Matt had been leaning against , eyeing the police station across the street where Mello was being kept overnight.

And, throwing all secrecy to the wind, Matt threw a decent sized rock through Mello's window.

Sirens blared, lights flashed, and a sleepy looking Mello climbed halfway out the broken window, wobbled, and fell ungracefully into the bushes two stories below him. There was a thud, a muffled "Fuck." And then Mello was off and running. He spotted Near's glowing, and once Mello caught up to them, they all ran as a laughing black herd to their hideout—the attic of an abandoned warehouse. Matt brushed a spider off the cracked leather sofa, onto which they collapsed, laughing their asses off.

"That was fucking awesome!" Mello rubbed his temple where a substantial bump was forming.

"Nice fall, dipshit." Matt poked the bump, saying "Squish."

"Who's the dipshit, dipshit? Anyway, I didn't know Near could even run—um, Near, you okay?"

Near was bent over, head-in-hands, panting and exhausted.

"I think…I'm going...to…fain…" he went limp, passed out. Mello and Matt stared at him. Mello whacked him on the back of the head so his forehead slammed into his knees. He sat up blinking.

"Ow."

"Now we match!" Mello pointed towards his bruise, then to the swelling on Near's forehead. Near simply glared, cursing the fact that he bruised easily.

"Yo, Mello! Catch!" Matt tossed Mello a beer, who took a long drink then held the ice cold bottle to his temple.

"Thanks. This'll ease the swelling too."

Near didn't bother pointing out that a hangover wouldn't help anything. He preferred to watch Mello suffer the next morning. Revenge for making him look like a fool.

"Hey Near, want one?" Matt held up a second can.

"Actually, I'd rather NOT pass out again, seeing as this wont go away anytime soon, and I don't want another one."

"Eh. Loosen up." Matt chucked the beer at Near, who ducked just in time. The beer hit the wall and sprung a leak; a small stream of yellow liquid was spraying nearly five feet into the air.

"Dammit, now I gotta piss." Mello climbed down the ladder to the bathroom on the first floor of the warehouse. Even if the toilets are broken, there's always a drain in the sink.

"Well, isn't that lovely." Matt shook his head. Near retrieved the leaking can, taped over the hole, and stuck it back in the cooler. Mello returned, grabbing the half empty beer and draining it in one gulp. His other was already empty.

"Heey, did joo guys no I haz a low casapidy for alcohol?" Mello slurred, sipping. Matt and Near exchanged a look.

"And hoo migh dis bee?" Mello sauntered over to Near, lifting his chin with a gloved finger. "Mightyy fiiine!"

"Uhm…Mello?"

"Ya wanna do somefing for meh, babe?"

Mello snuck his fingers below Near's waistband, petting his thigh. Matt stifled giggles. He loved watching drunken Mello.

"Mmf!" Near's eyes shot wide open, not sure how to breathe with Mello's tongue halfway down his throat. Mello pulled away just as Near was turning blue.

"Yer miiine…" he inched his fingers towards Near's cock, swayed a few times, and collapsed, passed out on the floor. Matt exploded into hysterical laughter. Near, blushing, pulled his pants up.

"I-I'm going to the bathroom…" the albino shuffled off down the ladder. Matt watched as the sleeping Mello twitched, muttering something about lemons. Matt shook his head again, stood up, and carefully tied a piece of spare rope to said blonde's ankle, and hung him upside-down from the rafters. He revolved slowly, face turning red. Matt waited until there was hardly any blood left in Mello's foot at all, then hacked the rope. Mello landed in a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Ow."

"Awake?"

"Painfully." Matt laughed and Mello hoisted himself to his feet, stumbling.

"Where'd shorty go?"

"To the bathroom. Why, are you going to continue molesting him?"

"Possibly."

"I'm bored."

"Cause that wasn't random at all—woah, what happened to you?" Mello took in Near's disheveled, slightly molested appearance, almost laughing at how ridiculous Near looked with a huge purple lump on his head.

"You, is what happened."

Mello cackled wickedly.

**TBC. when i get another random idea. suggestions welcome!!!! REVIEW OR I KICK YOUR VIRTUAL ARSE!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I cant guarantee that this chap will be quite as (cough-awesome-cough) as my last chapter, but hey, I'm trying!!! It might make a little less sense and be a little more random, but wtf right? It be MY story and if you don't like it you can LEAVE. **

**Hm, I might put in bits of a plot here and there if you review. But I cant promise any epic plot-thing worthy of medals. It might just be random stuff. **

**REVIEW-REVIEW-REVIEW-REVIEW-REVIEW-REVIEW-REVIEW-**

**Listening to: Eyelash curlers and butcher knives, by Jeffree Star, Heart Surgery isn't that bad by Jeffree Star, mastermind by mindless self indulgence, slut by Scotty vanity, lets dance by Scotty vanity. **

**LINE OF DOOM BITCHES**

Mello's laugh was just trailing off into obscurity when an ear splitting BANG was heard from out side. Near twitched in surprise, almost falling off the ladder.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Mello squeaked, hiding behind the sofa. Matt looked at the other two with blatant disdain, and stuck his head out the window, examining for the source of the noise.

"HOLY SHIT!!!" Matt pulled his head back inside, his eyes wide and wild. "Look at this!"

"Let me see!" Mello shoved Matt out of the way, and stared down at what appeared to be the bloodied corpse of a gangster, shot a few times through the chest and head—and more, the gun used was left gleaming in the moonlight a few feet away. Mello grinned. Near stared in attempted nonchalance—he wasn't _quite _as hardass as Mello or Matt.

"What the fuck are we waiting for?" Mello shoved Matt out the window, who landed ungracefully on top of the corpse. He froze, tasting bile in his throat.

"Urrrgh…" he mumbled, forcing himself upright and wiping his bloody hands on his pants. It seemed he was less accustomed than Mello to falling out of third story windows. Speaking of which…

WHUMP.

Mello landed a few feet away, springing agilely to his feet once more. Matt sent him a mega glare of doom.

"You didn't have to shove me out the window, asshole."

"What're you complaining about? You're fine."

"I landed on the dead guy!"

"So?"

"…so he's _dead. _And now I'm tied to drug dealing, busting you outta jail, and when the cops find this I'll be accused!"

"You worry too much. Lighten up."

"Lighten up? We'll see how light you are when I shove my flashlight up your--"

Matt's rant was cut short by the splatter of Near's vomit against the pavement. Matt warily eyed Near who was warily eyeing the dead gangster. Mello strutted off to retrieve the gun, and rolled his eyes.

"Pussies."

"Screw you Mello, I'm sure you'd like it up the ass!" Near spat and shouted back, getting a bit sick of Mello's half-drunk bitchy-ness. Matt chuckled appreciatively.

Mello, on the other hand, whipped around, cocked the gun, and shot Near in the head.

**Bwahahahaha!!!! And everyonez like ZOMG WTFLYKWTFJUZHPPND!!!!?????? Soooooo….if ya wanna know what happens to fluffynutters (near) and whether or not Matt has a seizure and shoves a flashlight up Mello's arse… REVIEW!!!!! And if you don't…JTHM will skin you alive! (woot to any Jhonen Vasquez fans who know who I'm talking about)**


	3. Kapitel drei

**AN: Well, as you can tell, I'm the kind of person who writes absurdly long author notes for absolutely no reason, cause no one reads them anyway. XD Really, I mostly write them to avoid the more unpleasant things I'm supposed to be doing…like, say, defining vocabulary words on ancient Rome (that I was supposed to finish 2 weeks ago), defining words like 'regolith' for science (WTF is with these stupid teachers and definitions?!) and a bunch of math homework…and don't even mention spanish…I literally have a one percent right now. (it's fucking hilarious, right!!? XD)**

**ANYway…before I get on with it and tell you what happened to fluffy-nutters, I'm going to tell you what musik I'm listening to! (cuz that TOTALLY pertains to the story…) well…lets see…SUPERSTAR by Toy Box, Bad Boy by Cascada, The Sailor Song by Toy box, Dinosaurs Go Rawr by Amy Can Flyy, and Scream for My Ice Cream by Blood On The Dance Floor. **

**Yes, I'm in a techno-pop mood. Ftw. XD**

**Oh, and I hate George Bush. That'll make sense after you read more.**

**Now…ONWARD!!! FORTHWITH! WITHOUT FURTHER ADO! **

**________(This line is named Steve. Steve says hi.)____________________________________**

Matt's mouth dropped open in shock as the bang echoed off their surroundings. Near crumpled to the concrete without so much as a squeak, blood pooling around his head. Mello laughed to himself and blew smoke off the tip of the gun's barrel. Matt partially regained his senses and stared at Mello incredulously, sputtering.

"What the FUCK, Mello?! Like two minutes ago you were trying to fuck him, now you decide to blow his head off?!"

Mello raised his eyebrow and smirked in the manner of a pedophile. "Wow, Matt, the way you phrased that makes it sound so _dirty_. You want me to _blow _your _head_ off instead?" he swayed his hips provocatively and licked his lips, twirling the gun around his finger.

Matt turned bright red. "You've got fucking issues dude."

Mello beamed at the compliment, then knelt next to Near and pressed two fingers to the albino's neck. He pouted, stood back up and crossed his arms.

"Aww, that's no fun. I hit his ear. He just fainted. Psh, pansy."

Matt was about to respond when the harsh cry of sirens cut through the night. He and Mello exchanged panicked looks. The cops were close. _Real _close. Matt grabbed Near and flung him over his shoulder and was about to grab Mello's hand to pull him along, but Mello darted out of his grip.

"Hey, not so fast," he said, still smirking, "This party's just getting started." He propelled himself up onto the top of a giant blue dumpster nearby, then used the gutter to hoist himself onto the roof of their hideout. He didn't bother to crouch, but strutted confidently, twirling the gun once more.

"Hey, I can see them! I think they see me too!" He seemed entirely too happy to have been spotted. Sure enough, within moments the cops had screeched to a halt around the building and had called for another car as backup. Two of them ran from their car and began to get closer to where Matt and Near were—along with the dead guy.

"Shit!" Matt cursed, repositioning Near on his shoulder. Stupid idiot was out cold, and right when they all needed to be running for their lives too.

"You, on the roof! Drop the weapon!" Matt heard the other cops ready their guns. He ducked behind the dumpster as the cops searching the building came around the corner, and heard their gasps as they saw the dead body.

"Look around, there might be another perpetrator still lurking!" one of them commanded the other. Matt's heart raced. He was screwed! Throwing all caution away, took a breath and yelled.

"MELLS, I NEED A DISTRACTION HERE!!!"

"ALRIGHT!" Mello replied, then sauntered over to the edge of the roof. "Hey you! Pigs!" he called down to the cops. "Take this!" He took aim with deadly accuracy and shot the pistols from their hands, then lept down from the roof, landing on top of one of the patrol cars, causing it to bounce on its shocks.

"H-hey! We need backup over here!!" one of the cops yelled, and the cops on Matt's tail ran to help. Matt scrambled out of hiding and ducked into the bed of a nearby pickup truck, covering himself and Near with a tarp. He peeked out through a hole in it and watched as Mello made his move.

The blonde stood atop the police car, tossing the gun back and forth between his hands.

"Ma'am, come down this instance or I swear on George Bush I will shoot you dead!" Porky (Matt's nickname for the fatter of the two cops that had been on his tail) cocked his gun and aimed for Mello's chest. Matt flinched. Porky just HAD to go and hit _that_ nerve, didn't he?

"Damnit, I'm a GUY!!!" Mello roared. "What part of deep voice and flat chest don't you people get?!" he fired haphazardly at Porky then ducked just in time to miss Porky's lethal shots and take a bullet to the arm instead.

"Shit! I really hadn't intended to shoot you guy's! but now…Fuck! That hurts!" Mello shouted, readied his gun, then fired off four rounds, hitting cop 1 in the foot, cop 2 in the knee, cop 3 in the stomach, and Porky in the neck. He leapt down from the car, and Matt Jumped out of the truck, dragging Near on the ground behind him.

"Mello, what--?!"

"Just fucking RUN, dude!"

Matt didn't need to be told twice. He threw Near at Mello, ("Your fault, Your turn to carry him.") Then they took off into the night, half terrified, half laughing their asses off.

^_^

**yes I know. Absurdly short chapter. So sue me. **


	4. Kapitel vier

**AUTHOR NOTE!!!!: OMG I have the best idea EVERRR!! YOU GUYS BETTER GIVE ME COOKIES AFTER THE NEXT UPDATE WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS!!!**

**Listening to: I don't Care by Fall Out Boy, ****Dispar**** by ****Gackt****Schizophren**** by ****Epinephrin****, and ****Neustart**** by ****Panik****/Nevada Tan.**

"Ah! Fuck!" Mello slowed to a stop, panting, clutching his arm where the bullet had hit it. They had run for several blocks, so his heart was racing, and blood poured from the wound, soaking into his black attire and dripping down his fingers onto the street. Matt had been about paces behind Mello, due to having to carry Near while running (Mello had ditched Near in a dumpster after the first block of running. Matt took pity on the rather abused albino and dug him out.) Catching up, Matt realized just how much blood had leaked out of Mello and began giggling insanely, attempting to stifle it behind his hand. He dumped Near on the ground, and doubled over, laughing his ass off. Mello shot him his trademark "I May Be A Crazy Girlie-Man But I Can Still Kick Your Ass" death glare.

"What," he began through gritted teeth, his voice dangerously low, "is so funny?"

Matt stood up, attempting to stop laughing. He extended his arm and poked the bullet wound, causing Mello to wince.

"Squish!" Matt burst into laughter once more. Mello growled in a feral manner, and looked like he might tackle Matt at any second.

"Dude…that's sexy…" Matt gasped between laughs. Mello wished he hadn't dropped the gun a couple blocks back, because he really wanted to hit Matt with it. His angry faces were NOT supposed to be sexy! He supposed the growl had brought the comment on, but still!

Suddenly, Near let out a low groan, and sat up to find himself in a puddle of blood at Mello's feet. There was an annoying noise coming from close by that he figured had to sound pretty close to the noise a ferret would make if you tried to juice it.

"Matt…" he moaned in annoyance, "PLEASE stop laughing…"

Matt gasped. "Fluffy-Nutters is awake!"

Near nodded, then brought a hand up to his ear, feeling where the blood had dried. He glared at Mello.

"Yeah, would someone like to fill me in on what happened after SOMEONE shot me?"

Matt prodded Near's ear and made a squashing noise. "Well, let's see…you passed out like a little girl, Mello got himself shot, then assaulted four cops with the gun he shot you with…and now we're wanted fugitives running for our lives through the dirty alleys of the city, fighting for survival daily and staying out of sight." He finished dramatically.

"Hm, is that why we're in the middle of the street?" Near asked dryly. He gestured to the dotted yellow line that he was sitting on. Just as that dawned on Matt, a loud horn blared, and he looked over to see a semi hurtling towards them.

"Shit!!" Mello yelled, using his good arm to shove Matt into the path of the truck, then pulled Near out of the way by his hair. Matt let out a high pitched scream and dove onto the sidewalk. Mello cackled as the truck narrowly missed all three of them, a new wave of adrenaline surging through him, numbing the pain in his arm. He jumped to his feet, invigorated by the sudden natural high. (Can you say danger junkie?)

"YEAH!" he punched the air with his not-bloody arm, and gave the truck driver the finger in his rearview mirror.

"'Staying out of sight' my ass…" Near grumbled, rubbing his sore scalp. Matt gave Mello a swift uppercut.

"You tried to kill me jackass! Some thanks for breaking you out of jail!"

"Well…well if you hadn't come, then I wouldn't have shot four cops!"

"Yeah, well you know who else _came?_ YOUR MOTHER!" Matt shot back.

"Don't you _dare_ even _imply_ that you could ever sleep with my mom! Even if she was still alive, I'd never let her near the likes of you!"

"Both of you shut the FUCK up! My ear just got half shot off, and I really don't feel like listening to you two bicker! Let's move! Because, if you didn't notice, it sounds like there are about ten cop cars headed this way, and I don't want to get arrested for what Mello did while I was out!" Near yelled, his usually soft feminine voice cracking from the strain. Mello and Matt stared at him.

"I didn't even know he could cuss that loud, much less yell a whole sentence…"Matt sounded in awe.

Mello nodded. "I know, right…"

Mello stared in amazement for a few more seconds, then he yelled, "Shit!"

"What now?" Matt asked, sounding bored.

"Sheep's right, we gotta move! Listen to that! There's a whole frickin _fleet _of those things after me! I cant go to jail! _Do you know what they do to guys like me in prison?!"_ he hyperventilated a little, imagining the horrors that would befall him at the hands of a man named Leslie. He shuddered, then grabbed Matt's shoulder with his good arm and shook him back and forth frantically.

"YOU"VE GOTTA HELP ME!!" it was suddenly apparent as to how much blood Mello had really lost, because he staggered, and under the glow of the street lights his face was deadly pale. He sniffled dramatically. "I don't wanna be somebody's bitch, Matt…" Matt patted him awkwardly on the shoulder.

"Chillax dude. We can hide. We'll be ninjas of the night, just wait and see. They'll never see us coming, then when they finally realize we're there—BAM! Too late!"

"Whatever…" Mello looked away, ashamed to have actually asked someone for help. That really wasn't his thing—people were supposed to plead for other people to help them get away from Mello, not the other way around! Still…his mental images of Leslie were frightening enough to kill a baby. (O.o)

"So…we're really on the run?" Near asked. If he had known how this night would end up turning out, he never would have agreed to come along. …okay, scratch that. He so would have come along anyway. Watching Mello was too much fun to pass up.

"What have I been saying for the past five minutes?! Geez, and they call you a genius…" Matt muttered sarcastically.

"I sense a flaw in this plan…"Near said under his breath, shaking his head.

"What, sheep? Would you rather go to jail or sleep on the streets?"

Near rolled his eyes, and gestured to Mello. Right on cue, Mello's eye twitched.

"Wait…Matt, you expect me to sleep on the _streets?_ With homeless people…and…and…_him?"_ Mello pointed to a fly covered drunk passed out against a building a few feet away. "There is NO WAY. EVER. If we're running from the law, we're doing it with class. Cause this body does not get raped by homeless bums. Got it?"

Matt glared at Near for being right, then put his hands up in surrender.

"Fine. Mello, what do you purpose we do?"

Mello sauntered off, snatched the drunk's jacket as he walked past, and tore the sleeve off of it as he continued to walk away. He dropped the rest of it back on the ground, and turned to the other two.

"Well? Are you coming with me or what?" He waited impatiently for them to catch up, then ducked into the closest metro entrance. He ran down the stairs, glad that it was late and the only people around were bums. Any normal person who saw someone using a jacket sleeve to tourniquet their arm would either faint or call 911. The bums didn't seem to care, so Mello led Matt and Near into the dim subway station. His brisk walk sped up to a jog, before he stopped at a tack board plastered with job advertisements, lost dog notices, business cards, and bits of used gum. Mello sifted through the junk, tossing aside several pieces of paper before a wry grin spread across his face. He held up an ad, cocked his head to the side playfully, and laughed as Matt's jaw dropped open. Near's eyes grew wide, and he looked, horrified, from Mello, to the ad, then back to Mello. Matt let out a squeak.

"Classy, huh?"


	5. A PLOT BEGINS! maybe

**AN: heheheheheh…I can't wait to write this…XD yayyyy**

**Listening to: Lies by Evanescence and Little smirk by Theory of A dead man. **

Matt looked at Mello incredulously, his mouth agape.

"Yeah…classy…Mello, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"I wouldn't expect you to see the gift I will be giving to the world by taking this job. But you still have to help conceal my stupid wound so I can go talk to the guy who put up the ad? It's not like they're going to hire some guy with a bullet hole in his arm. Anyway, I'm probably all over the news by now. They'll be on the lookout for blood."

Matt stared at him for another minute or two, then finally just threw up his arms in surrender.

"Whatever. What do you want me to get, makeup? I don't know if that stuff'll conceal blood…"

"It wont. He'll need something better…hm, why don't you just get a coat or something, and Mello can do the acting and pretend he's not hurt. It'd be way easier than trying to make it look like normal skin. And we could bandage it under the fabric." Near interjected.

"Yeah, do whatever Near said. But if you're buying me clothes then I'm coming with you. Knowing you…you'd buy me checkered pants or some shit like that. "

"Doesn't that ruin the plan of hiding?" Matt facepalmed at the whole situation.

"Matt. If you think I can take this job and hide at the same time, then you're more surprised than I thought you'd be. I don't see why…what did you think I'd be, a cab driver?"

"I dunno, I figured you'd find some crime lord, ditch us and start running drugs or something…not _this…_"

Mello smirked triumphantly. "Well, I guess I'm something of an enigma then." He grabbed Matt by the arm, and pulled him back towards the staircase to the streets. "Come along, man-bitch. We're going shopping."

Just as Near watched them vanish up the stairs, it occurred to him that they hadn't said anything about what he was to do while they were off shopping. His ear throbbed painfully. Well, If they were off shopping, he decided, then he was going shopping too. And he knew just the place. There was a gigantic toy store a few blocks away…and they even had some 'adult toys' on the third floor that Mello might like…

He began to walk, and after taking almost fifteen minutes to walk up the flight of stairs to the street, he was exhausted. He'd done more running tonight than he'd done in who knows how long, not to mention having lost blood. He couldn't wait to get to that toy store, sit down on one of those chunky plastic kiddie chairs and contemplate the insanity of his situation while operating the controls for a remote control train.

But first…he had to make it the four blocks to the place. Through the bad part of town. While suffering blood loss.

He sighed, and sat down on the curb on the corner, so the light of a street lamp illuminated his surroundings enough that he didn't feel completely vulnerable. After all, even though he was sixteen, he still looked like a twelve year old. A…fluffy…twelve year old. He took deep breaths until his heart calmed down from his tiring trek up the stairs, (really, there was at least two hundred stairs he'd had to climb!) and his eyes slid shut. He had almost fallen asleep by accident when he felt something touch his shoulder. Something warm…A hand? His eyes flew open, and just then he felt another hand slip below the waistband of his pants. He let out a high pitched yelp. Hot breath lingered wetly against his face, and a deep voice whispered huskily in his ear.

"You're just the person I've been needing…"

Near stifled a scream as he was dragged off into the night.

…

"Are you KIDDING, Matt? See, this is why I had to come along. Look at that thing! It's hideous!" Mello cringed at the sight of the jacket Matt held up. It's design could be described in two words: Snakeskin and Hound's-tooth. Matt crooked his head to the side, and looked at it in the light.

"Yeah, I guess your right. The feathers on the sleeves don't add much." He put in back on the shelf. "What about this one?"

Mello shook his head disdainfully, pressed his hand to his face in aggravation, and walked towards the door. "I'm leaving. Let's try someplace different. How about that gothic underground place across the street? It might not be that great, but I'll bet their clothes don't have highlighter orange feathers next to freaking hound's-tooth patterning." He pushed the door of the shop open and wrinkled his nose at the foul smell of the city street. Matt stood behind him, staring at the clothes in the window of the store Mello had mentioned. There were trench coats, corsets, bucked boots with spikes, and tight leather pants with straps, buckles, and steel rings that made the pants look less like something you'd wear on the street and more like something you'd wear while being chained and bound by a sexy girl with a whip. He sneaked a look at Mello, and could almost swear he saw drool pooling at the corners of his mouth. He looked transfixed by the store…but then, Matt supposed, he might have just been slightly hypnotized by the strobe lights flashing in the window. Mello grabbed his hand and dragged him across the street.

"I am SO glad I stole that one cop's credit card…" Matt heard Mello mutter under his breath. He rolled his eyes. Of _course_ he had. Oh well. At least he wasn't going to force Matt to pay for his stuff. Cause this place looked pricey.

Mello pushed open the door, and they were greeted by the overwhelming smells of cinnamon, chocolate, and something that was suspiciously like…rice krispy treats? What the hell? Matt cringed as harsh, loud music met his ears, the vocals a distorted, scratchy German. Mello's face spread into a demented grin.

"Fuck yes. I like this place already." He disappeared into the dry ice clouds fogging up the store, and Matt decided to take a look around himself. Some of this stuff wasn't half bad…in fact, he really liked that one shirt…grey and black striped with a prison number on the left collarbone. On the mannequin, it was paired with a pair of tight grey stone washed jeans, and combat boots. Wait…his eyes grew wide. They had…goggles! With spikes! And biohazard signs on the lenses! He eyed them like L in a candy store.

Meanwhile, Mello was biting his lip. He just. Couldn't. Choose. The tight leather pants would look SO HOT on him…but then, there was an amazing red leather coat with flame cutouts on the shoulders and little skull buttons…and the whole pint in going shopping was to buy a jacket to hide his bulletwound…

Damn. He felt girly. Shopping for clothes (and drooling over them no less!).

Fuck it.

He'd just get both. After all, it wasn't his money. He stared at the racks for another moment, then added a few more things (meaning at least seven more items) to the pile, and went to find Matt. He'd need to get to his new place of work soon or they might not hire him. He spotted the redhead, and grabbed him by the back of his shirt, dragging him towards the checkout counter, which was adorned with five dollar pairs of handcuffs and pillows shaped like zombies.

"Hey Mello, I found some stuff, do you care if I get—"

"Yeah, whatever." Mello replied, dropping at least a hundred pounds worth of leather, buckles, and vinyl onto the counter. The checkout guy was passed out in his chair, snoring louder than the music with a trail of drool running down his chin and soaking into this ratty trench. Mello grabbed one of the sets of hand cuffs and whacked him in the face with it. They caught on the guy's eyebrow ring, and he nearly jumped through the ceiling when he woke up.

"I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM, I SWEAR!" he yelled, then turned scarlet, removing the handcuffs from his face. "Uh, I mean, Hi. You guys getting all this?"

Mello crossed his arms. "Yup, and make it snappy, cause I've got a job to get to."

The guy simply nodded, and looked warily at Mello's bloodied arm, and the tourniquet/jacket sleeve tied around it. Mello handed him the credit card.

"Hey dude, you want me to like, bandage that for you? Cause your hand's turning blue, and bosses don't tend to like blue hands. I know from experience." He rung up their clothes and ducked under the counter, returning with a roll of gauze and rubbing alcohol. Matt raised an eyebrow.

"Do I want to know why you have that there?"

"Eh. We do piercings, and, well, let's just say that some times, people struggle. And that's not too good when you're trying to get certain places pierced."

Matt nodded knowingly. Mello clenched his teeth and extended his arm, wincing as he untied the sleeve. The dude poured some alcohol on it, then taped the gauze down around it.

"Yeah, if your hand stays blue for more than a day, you might wanna have it looked at. That happened to me, and I nearly lost my hand."

"I'm not even gonna ask…" Matt shook his head.

"Oh, it was just a mishap with a waffle maker. But don't tell, I told everybody I got mauled by the police dogs that were chasing me."

Matt and the guy pounded knuckles, and then they left the store.

"You reckon we ought to find Near?" Matt asked, once they were walking towards Mello's new job. Mello shrugged on his new coat.

"Nah. He'll turn up." They rounded a corner, and Mello pointed towards a building about fifty feet away. "There it is. Let's go." He broke into a run, and stopped at the door, where there was a little window. All the rest of the windows had plywood nailed over them and were graffiti-ed on, but you could actually see in through this one. Behind it sat a middle aged guy smoking a cigar. Mello tapped on the window, and it swung open on rusty hinges.

"Well if it isn't Mello! Hang on, I'll go get the boss." The guy got up an d walked off.

"You know that guy?" Matt seemed slightly disbelieving.

"Uh…yeah. Long story."

The window swung open, and a balding man with a moustache peered at them through beedy eyes.

"Mello? What are you doing here? And who's this?" he gestured towards Matt. "And don't tell me that was you on the news earlier…"

"Uh, no, it wasn't. I've come about your ad." He dug in his pocket until he found the crumpled piece of paper. He held it up for the man to see.

"Well, whaddya know. Sure, kid. You start in fifteen minutes, now go in and get dressed. And since your with him, you can watch for free. No charge, but just this once."

He opened the front door, which had been locked from the inside (so only people that were allowed to enter could), and he escorted Mello off. The guy with the cigar handed Matt a drinks menu (no ID check), and as the redhead took his seat at the table closest to the stage, he stared at the text on the menu cover. He exhaled deeply.

"Ernie's Bar and Exotic Dancing!

Classy! Anonymous! Affordable!*

(free lap dances on Thursdays!)

*Price varies per drink, and some of our eager employees cost more than others, depending on person, age, race, gender, and/or cleanliness and desirability."

Matt wondered why he had ever agreed to help Mello with this.

**AN continued: XD cause that place isn't racist at ALL. **

**And yes, Mello is a stripper.**

**Don't worry, he costs a LOT. Psh, who wouldn't pay for him?**

**REVIEW IF YOU WNT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO NEAR! (and if you want to know what ELSE Mello got at that store…heheheh…*evil laughter*)**

**I know this chap wasn't quite as funny, but hey, I FINALLY got a plot going. Sortof. XD**


	6. Kapitel numero six

**A/N: XP you guys SUCK! I only got ONE measly review last chapter! If I don't get at least 5 reviews for this one, I wont continue! Okay, maybe if the ones I get are good enough, but still! **

**Listening to: Brain Stew by Green Day, Jizzed in my Pants by ?, All the Things She Said and Malchik gay by tatu. **

Fifteen minutes later, Matt was getting antsy. He'd already polished off a beer, and was now working on a white Russian. He was severely doubting the smartness of Mello's plan—most of the people here looked like pedophiles, and he kept catching said pedophilic people casting looks in his direction. If he was Mello, sitting out here getting stared at, he'd stand up on his stool and yell something like 'You want some of this? Well too bad!' But, unfortunately, he wasn't Mello, and he was feeling too tipsy to stand on anything properly, much less this stupid stool he was sitting on. He had no idea where Near was. The boy knew to meet them there, didn't he? He couldn't remember whether or not Mello had given him the directions of where to go.

Suddenly the lights dimmed, and a scantily clad girl with obviously fake boobs and bleached hair strutted onto the stage. She gave a little shiver, making sure to shake all the appealing parts of her, mainly her chest.

"Brr!" She exclaimed in a high pitched, annoying voice. "It's _cold _in here tonight! What do you say we get things _warmed up_ in here?"

A chorus of brash cheers erupted around Matt, and she giggled in what he supposed was intended to be an innocent manner.

"That's good for you, because I've got a treat for you tonight! We've got not one, but _two_ new dancers for you tonight! And believe me, they are H.O.T.!"

There was another round of cheering, louder this time.

"What was that? You want to meet them?"

More cheering, even louder. Matt's ears began to ring. Music began to blast from speakers suspended from the ceiling, loud, repetitive, with an engaging bass-line.

"Well, your wish is my command! Let's bring 'em out here, shall we? First I'd like to introduce Mello, the Number One Aryan Beauty!"

Matt's gaze fixed onto the stage. Smoke poured onto it from offstage smoke machines, and from somewhere, Mello appeared, fixing the crowd with a penetrating stare, and wrapped in a satin cloth. The music pounded once, loudly, and right on cue, Mello dropped the fabric, and it slithered down his lithe body, and pooled on the floor at his feet. Matt couldn't take his eyes off of what he saw.

Mello was dressed (or rather, _un_dressed,) head to toe in strappy leather bondage, complete with buckles, studs, and conveniently placed spikes…such as the two of them attached to his shiny, second-skin corset, sticking out from roughly where his nipples were. Tight buckled gloves stretched up from his wrists to his shoulders, concealing his wound, and a pair of handcuffs dangled from his wrist. He moved his other hand from behind his back to reveal a whip with a spiky thing on the end that would really hurt if you got hit by it…(in a good, masochistic way.) That combined with those weird short-things (that were more like a leather pair of briefs than anything) that Mello was wearing as…well, definitely not pants, but at least nothing was completely showing. But they left nothing to the imagination.

Through his half-drunk haze, Matt was suddenly _very_ glad he had helped Mello with this plan. Very, VERY glad. His eyes followed the curved lines of Mello's fabulous, gorgeous, silky-smooth legs, and he wasn't sure if he was _actually _drooling over his best freaking friend, or if that was just a side effect.

Mello caught Matt's gaze, flashed him a naughty smile, cracked the whip seductively, and winked.

And Matt…JIZZED. IN. HIS PANTS.

XD

Well, at least, he felt like he should have. Instead, his face was turning bright, flamingo pink, and his hands were shaking as he downed a large gulp of alcohol.

_Jesus fucking CHRIST, please let this night be over soon. _

There was absolutely no way that whoever the second dancer was would ever be able to get even half the applause and wolf whistles that Mello was getting.

At least, that's what Matt _thought. _Granted, Mello was pretty fucking hot, but there was one thing that was hotter…

The fake-tits-blonde-hair chick seemed to have been momentarily caught off guard by Mello, and after realizing she had been staring (and nose-bleeding), she coughed awkwardly.

"Well, that's him, now, let's see…Dancer Number Two! Your own personal White Rabbit, here to lead you to a world of all your…_wildest fantasies." _

She waved her hand towards backstage, motioning someone to enter. Most everyone was quiet, creating a sortof suspenseful air.

And then…

…dressed only in an uber-short white plaid schoolgirl skirt, sparkly little nipple thingies, and a pair of fluffy bunny ears…

…was…

…Near.

Matt's head throbbed, and his vision swam. His head hit the table in front of him with a clunk. One thing was sure to him—he'd had way too much alcohol that night. Because he could've sworn the second dancer was Near.

Near, an exotic dancer.

Psh, as if.

He lifted his head up, and stared at the small childlike teen on the stage. Fluffy white hair…creepy eyes…albino pale…looks like a five year old…No way…could it be?

He looked back over at Mello, to see the blonde's mouth agape in shock. He stared disbelievingly at Near, one of his eyes twitching slightly. He pointed his finger at Near, waving it around for emphasis. He seemed at a loss for words, until

"FLUFFY NUTTERS?" He squeak-yelled. "What the bloody HELL are you doing here?"

Near mumbled something that sounded like 'they told me I'd get a train set' and looked away ashamedly, a light blush creeping across his face, adding to his cute-and-innocent look. Mello grabbed his frail shoulders and shook him back and forth vigorously.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE TRAIN SETS FROM STRANGERS?"

Near was about to reply when the Announcer Slut put one hand on either of their chests and forced them apart with more force than Matt would have thought was possible. Near almost toppled over backwards from the shove.

"Break it up, Lover Boys! Now get to dancing!" she clapped and obnoxiously loud music blasted from hidden speakers. Mello smirked when he heard it.

"They played my song after all." He muttered to himself, then with one hand, took hold of the metal pole that had descended from the ceiling. He snaked the other hand around Near's bare waist, and whispered huskily in his ear "Let me show you how it's done."

With that, he began to dance.

Slow at first, going along with the electronic beginning of the song. He rolled his hips against the pole, until, with one loud, sudden bass note, the song picked up and became a dark, entrancing techno song. At the note, Mello, with one leg wrapped around the pole shot his other leg out straight, and let his head fall back. A steady beat began, and Mello twirled in sync to the beat.

Matt watched in some sort of sick, twisted fascination as Mello's body twisted and undulated, writhing provocatively around the pole. Strangely enough, Near was watching too, his eyes wide and unblinking. He bit his lip gently in concentration, and somehow, even through his drunken haze, Matt could almost see the little gears turning in Near's fluffy head. He was memorizing every one of Mello's movements.

Matt couldn't wait to see Near's dance.

**Gah! I'm sorry! This chapter was probably the worst one yet, but the whole friking time I was writing it, I was getting yelled at to get off the computer. It's kinda hard to concentrate and write good crack when people are YELLING at you! oh, and then Microsoft word started f*cking up all my text and making it indent in weird places and crap. ugh. Reviews, please? They might make my headache go away… **

**Anyway, this chapter IS NOT FINISHED YET. I just really wanted to post, but when I finish it, I'll re upload the complete version. **

**And yes, I absolutely HAD to have Near be in a bunny schoolgirl outfit. I HAD TO.**

**IMPORTANT NOTICE-Y THINGY!: IF THIS THING GETS 15 + REVIEWS, I'M ADDING BEYOND BIRTHDAY IN, TOO! SO IF YOU WANT TO SEE HOW **_**THAT **_**TURNS OUT, REVIEW YOUR FREAKING ASS OFF! CAUSE BB IS THE SHIT! **


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